Pseudo-Martyr

Ben Stephens and I were talking in our John Donne class about how great of a name "Pseudo-Martyr" would be for a band. So, I made it one. The original piece was an essay by John Donne about religious tolerance and persecution in England at the time, I shudder to think what he would say if he could read my version.

Hello! Welcome

to our show!

We are Pseudo-Martyr,

the latest, greatest band

to come from

affluent white

suburban churches!

Please, buy our

CD at the coffee bar,

and read how conscientiously

we used cardboard sleeves

composed of a minimum

of 10% post-starbucks

material (it’s our eco-tithe).

Our lyrics come

from our life experiences

and struggles; living

with overbearing parents

who make us pay halfsies

on the car insurance,

being rejected by girls

who clearly do not appreciate

how biblically mandated

our complimentarianism is,

enduring hateful looks

as we press tracts into the hands

of the classmates we’ve never

spoken with, only spoken too.

See how we daily

bear our crosses

for Christ?