Love Glutton - Pseudo-Martyr

If you remember my previous poem, Pseudo-Martyr, you'll know that they are a fictional suburban church band. The name came from a religious work by John Donne, and Ben Stephens and I loved to shout the name at each other in rock & roll voices. I use Pseudo-Martyr as a satirical vehicle to poke fun at the community I know best, and kind of belong in. This poem's title comes from a comment by Dr. Foster on another piece of Donne's, about how needy Donne seems to be in that poem, and Ben and I again seized upon the phrase. I've waited a while to write it, but here it is - Love Glutton, by Pseudo-Martyr. I hope you pick up on the fact that it is clearly satire on the world of Christian dating.

This is a song

I wrote during the tough time

after my girlfriend, Sarah,

and I decided (together, of course)

that we worked better

just being

brother and sister in Christ.

I want you to notice

none of the lyrics

refer to her beauty,

because real Christian men

are unmoved by shallow things

like legs or breasts,

and I thought it would help her

in her struggle against vanity.

And not a word will be sung

about her thoughts or words,

that might encourage her to think

she could teach or instruct,

and women shouldn’t be vocal

in public,

unless it’s backup vocals.

When I was searching

for a verse to use

as the refrain,

I picked up my Bible,

which fell open

to the part about

women submit to men,

which is funny

because I read that passage

a lot anyways.

So here’s my song,

a moving ballad

about her grace and skill

as a behind the scenes

encourager who aids men

in their calling,

with a look forward to the day

she becomes a mother

and finally finds her purpose.