Real Men

I saw a bumper sticker today that said, "Real men love Jesus." Being an essentially contrary person, I thought, "not necessarily," which got me going on the theme of what exactly does constitute real manliness. Being something of a literal person as well as being a contrary person (and wearing my "You've Got Male" X-Y chromosome shirt), I thought of some of the features that define real men. Apologies to any men who feel excluded from these categories, or women who feel included. Keep in mind these are only guidelines, and only a poem, after all.

Real men have a Y chromosome, which may be said

by some to be the distinguishing feature of the breed.

Real men have hairy arms (more so than most females),

prominent Adam’s apples, vestigial mammary glands,

and male pattern baldness, though none of these are uniform.

Additionally, real men have other anatomical differences

from females that a polite poet will not mention,

leaving it to your parents to inform you.

If you need still more help in identifying real men

(as opposed to women who are dressed as men

for whatever reason; they are fake men) by their

external appearance, be alerted that facial hair

is a solid tool for judging whether or not

the person you observe from afar is in fact a man.

Should troubles persist, it is recommended

that you contact the author for further methods

of discerning men from women, and that it is always
an option to simply ask the person.