Workplace Evolution

I wrote this poem a week or so ago, after a friend said on facebook that his job was so easy, a trained monkey could do it. The imaginative properties of that statement got a hold of me, and voila!

It was Bob’s idea, an innovative way to show

our new CEO we had been listening when he said

our work could be done by trained monkeys,

and we should stop complaining about our wages.

In essence, we agreed, and, wanting to placate

our new chief and ingratiating ourselves by thinking

outside conventional dictates to free up capital.

I objected right off to Dave

and his ludicrous suggestion

that chimpanzees might be suitable. “We may

only be quality assurance,” I intoned, “but we

are not yet the mail room; the touch we need

is more delicate by far.” Russell suggested

orangutans might fit the bill, but this motion

was silently and unanimously tabled

when Margaret declared she positively

adored the orange apes,

found their sad eyes so doleful,

their lanky limbs just too cute.

An awkward silence ensued,

until Philip stood (no doubt to avoid

endless coos from Margaret) to say

his son was lately obsessed with the animals

commonly known as gibbons.

A quick google search showed that white

or black-handed gibbons would suit

our needs quite nicely, being presentable,

reasonably adept, and properly cheap (provided

of course that Fran’s friend in Borneo

would accept a check, she said he might prefer

cash), and it all seemed settled; an even

dozen at first to quietly train to show the boss.

But while we discussed the color

(I felt that a little diversity in shade

would go a long way to prevent a drab office),

Tom brought us all by the lee.

He cleared his throat, and softly piped,

“I think I must speak up to remind you all

that gibbons are actually in fact apes,

and orangutans, chimpanzees too:

not proper monkeys at all.

If we hope to follow our dear leader’s

words as nearly as possible,

why not try the rhesus macaque?”

Only a short period of investigation was needed

to show Tom was right yet again. Ordering was simple,

they being so often used for medical testing;

only a week passed before they were wheeled in,

each in its little plastic cage, complete and ready

with tubes to assist with feeding. Tom soon moved

to middle management, and observing

he had two groups doing the same job,

declared that someone had to go.

And that is why I would be most grateful

to be considered for any open positions

your company may have.